Well...Mike “the world’s fastest human” Presta here…and I’msorry to report that my latest “re-branding” effort didn’t go too well.

Once I announced my HISTORIC rebranding to the world (or atleast to everyone who has the internet) this morning, I decided that I shouldmake at least some small effort at actually changing things prior to my assaulton the world record for the 100 yard dash at the next big event at BicentennialCommons.  I was sure that next big eventwould be coming up quickly—probably this weekend—so I figured I should getstarted right away.

We are told that re-branding changes everything, so Ifigured all I would need was a few wind sprints up and down HISTORIC PennswoodDrive to get my body into top shape after decades of abuse, misuse, neglect,and infirmity, so I did my preparatory stretching and warm-ups (for me, puttingon my socks and shoes classifies as “preparatory stretching and warm-ups”) andheaded outside to tear up the street.  (Iuse the term “tear up the street” metaphorically and, as with all other streetsin our town--except for the mayor’s--our street is already crumbling, so don’tblame me!!!)

Now, due to some of my infirmities, I cannot get down intothe starting blocks (even after clearly explaining to my body that I am now “theworld’s fastest human”) so I just sort of leaned into the wind and waited onthe weekly test of the emergency sirens to signal the “start”.  Then it occurred to me that it was Thursdayand the siren testing was on Wednesday. Now I knew that re-branding or no re-branding, I cannot stay in oneposition for more than a few minutes, let alone six days, so like a businessperson applying for a license at Middletown City Hall, I decided that I couldn’twait!!!  I was off like a shot!!!

Well…not exactly like a shot.

During my first stride (and sadly, it was still more like a “teeter”than a powerful lurch) the “foot drop” with which I am plagued caused me tostumble.  My cat-like (yes, “cat-like”:  likea very, very, old and infirm cat) reflexes kicked in to try to help me regainmy stride…but my other knee buckled just at that crucial moment…and I wasdoomed.  Down I went…butt over tea kettle…crashingto the ground, aggravating an old rotator cuff injury with the first impact andextruding nucleus pulposus from a different lumbar disk with every roll downthe driveway apron into the gutter!!!  Mycane, which flew high into the air at the start of this event, returned to earthright after I did…and smacked me on the back of the head.

I laid there for several minutes, wracked with pain and tryingto compose myself.  (I could hear severalneighbors laughing out loud, while asking if I wanted them to call 911.)  I remembered that we had lain off several ofour firefighters, so I said no.  (I firsttried shaking my head “no”, but that hurt too much.)

After a short while, and with the aid of my wife and TripleA, I was able to get back the house, into my zero-gravity chair, and swallow acouple of pain pills (and a double shot of peppermint schnapps).

Now, I told you all of that so that I could tell youthis:  It’s all YOUR fault!!!  Yes, you!!! All of you here at MiddletownUSA.com. All of you nattering nabobs of negativism!!!  I re-branded myself as “the world’s fastesthuman”, but YOU PEOPLE didn’t believe.  Ifall of you would’ve just wished and hoped harder…if you just would’ve gonealong…it would’ve happened, but no, you wouldn’t do it.

It’s all YOUR fault that my risky scheme failed!!!

So I guess I’ll go back to being plain, old HISTORIC Mike…atleast until I come up with my next re-branding brainstorm. 

Then that will change everything!!!